Seven Ways...
To Avoid Eating Pumpkin-Spiced Anything
The autumnal breeze rustles variegated foliage in the crisp afternoon breeze. The sunsets have become dilatory gazing endeavors of kaleidoscopic paroxysms. Summer has faded into near memory, and the next season is upon us. What better way to celebrate the occasion, than enjoying something spiced with the ubiquitous pepo - PUMPKIN, right? Absolutely not. Don’t believe the hype. Pumpkin-spiced anything is about as useless as an elephant in a mine field, and to say that you look forward to your lattes, ravioli or any other viand, victual or vegetable poisoned by this essence, you might want to check yourself. Only pumpkin pie is passable.
So, in the homage to the anti-pumkin hordes (many more will come out of the woodwork, I tell you), here are seven ways to avoid eating pumkin-spiced anything:
Black Coffee - The pioneers that settled the West never drank pumpkin-spiced lattes with oat milk (yes, I recently discovered there is such a thing as oat milk!). Cookie out on the frontier trail prepared black coffee brewed on an open fire in earthenware mugs, preparing settlers for rugged terrain and unforgiving mountain passes. For a great cup of black coffee, visit Blue Butterfly Coffee Co., 351 Main Street, El Segundo.
Kombucha/Kale Chips - Sprouts Farmers Market offers pumpkin flavored varieties of these aforementioned products. If I need to go in depth about why you should never consume either of those two commodities, you may want to seek out an elephant ride in the field mentioned above. Instead, try not to try so hard. Rather, get your hipster beard shaved at The Traditional Barber (also re-located home of the Village Barber). 117 Richmond St., El Segundo
Beer - I can understand and get behind the craft beer movement. I support our local brewmasters wholeheartedly. What I don’t advocate for is a frothy brew flavored flavored with the seasonal gourd. Instead, visit the Old Town Patio in El Segundo for a very large (32 oz) domestic draft, and enjoy a small town watering hole at it’s finest. Bring cash. No cards accepted. 115 Richmond Street, El Segundo
Ravioli - Rather than supping on some insipid, pumpkin-stuffed pasta from some vapid chain in a strip mall, try the braised beef cheek “scarpanocc” at Jame Enotecca (a wonderfully distinctive independent restaurant in a strip mall). 241 Main Street, El Segundo
Confections - Muffins, cookies or cupcakes - with the holidays lurking around the corner, you can’t afford to stockpile calories this early. Instead of opting for the sugar laden gut bombs, embrace the Manteca fueled plates of La Paz Restaurant. It may not be fancy, but it’s the best in town when it comes to the food. 514 Center Street, El Segundo
Soups - Let’s face it: some chefs will do anything to capitalize on a gimmick. Take, for instance, the pureeing of a perfectly good pumpkin and calling it soup. It’s not. It’s actually baby food at that point. Instead of eating comestibles designed for toothless octogenarians, why not try a chili size at the El Segundo Little League snack bar. You can thank me later.
Anything Else - If I missed anything, please heed the caveat that nothing good comes in pumpkin-spiced flavors; not even pumpkin itself. Instead, why not spend some time relaxing at one of El Segundo’s finest member-based whereabouts: The Loyal Order of the Moose Lodge. You will not find a better situ in which to debate the inadequacies of certain, annual culinary mythologies. 514 W Imperial Ave., El Segundo
Bonus - If you couldn’t tell by now, this is a cheeky presentation of the “secret” places that might fly under the radar in El Segundo. My long-time friend, and lifelong resident who we will dub “The Sheriff” (in order to maintain his anonymity), pointed out to me that I had committed several egregious omissions from previous posts. Therefore, masked as a bashing of all things orange and gourd-eous, this is actually an effort to prostrate myself in hopes of parochial redemption. No pumpkins were harmed in the writing of this blog.